ikaw nanaman!?

hai.. last time na namin nag-ayos para sa parish.. kanina kasi ung battle of the bands... pati ung dance contest.. masaya.. stressful! akala ko nga di ko makikita boybud ko dun eh.. malas ko na nga lang at nakita ko sya.. :p ewan.. nakatingin nanaman sakin... ang akin lang naman.. kung titingin ka rin lang.. sana naman kausapin mo rin ako, db? kasi.. ewan!

miss ko na si marty.. :( birthday pa naman niya in 2weeks.. sana magkita kami... :) sana talaga...

**for marty: you promised me, you'll wait for me..
i have kept my word and waited for you
the care, and the love im keeping..
will i ever get the chance to show it to you?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

**for josh: silent treatment is your game
i won't be the one to fall in shame
why look at me when you've got nothing to say
do you wish we were never this way?

ride for you - danity kane

Lately, I've been tryna fight whatever's pulling us under
it's got a hold and really making me wonder
what it takes to get through
I gotta stick with you, my baby

Baby tell me:
Maybe I'm foolishly overreacting
But being without you I can't imagine
It's just to close to the heart and
And I won't stand it if were broken apart

[Chorus]
Do you hear me?
Baby ya gotta believe in the things that make you & me win together
Don't you throw in the towel
I'm keeping my promise to you I got ya back now
When the chips are down
It seems like it's so hard for you to move ahead
Just know that I am by your side
There aint no ifs, buts, or maybes,
I'm gonna stay down and ride for you baby

We've been cutting it close with the backwards & forwards
It's rocking the boat; we gotta get control of this
Let's take it back to three years ago
When you said that we could make it through whatever, ever
And to me it sounded like you meant forever, ever
Leaving was not an option, baby, never, never
Now don't you believe in a love that's worth a fight
In you is everything that I'm missing
So give us a chance

[Chorus]

Don't you dare tell me we gotta let it go...
We been on top for too long just to let it go under
I don't wanna hear that I just can't hear that and know
Wherever you wanna take me
I'll go I been with you for too long to start over with another
I know that you hear me Just tell me you hear me
[Chorus]


** argh!! if only he knows what my blog is.. pinabasa ko na toh sa kanya... pero nahihiya ako sa kanya.. he might think i'm head over heels for him (which is true.. hehe..) i just can't leave without him.. i know for a FACT that he's the one for me and i'm the one for him.. i just have to make him realize that... i have to... i know i can.. i know that he still loves me... but he's prioritizing his studies.. i know it.. i can feel that he still loves me... if only i could show it to him....

to hate or not to hate...

ugh! im kinda hating my bestfriend for hurting my cousin... grrr... she's AWARE that's she's hurting my cousin, but she CONTINUES on doing it!! grr... db?! sino di masasaktan dun?! eh ka-close ko ung tao!? haiii.... as much as possible, ayokong madawit sa kanila.. pero, di pwede rin eh.. ako lang kinakausap nung dalawang un eh.. ano na gagawin ko?!

f'd up?!

whew! i'm done with my term paper.. :D hehe.. haii... but enough about school.. (kaka-start pa nga lang enough na.. hahaha!)

i woke up on the wrong side of my soft, wide bed... ugh! it was hard for me to get up 'cause I still wanted to sleep.. :'( then yesterday, my ate and I watched "night at the museum"... it's a really nice movie.. a must-see! =D.. i didn't like the credits, though.. not that i have any personal probs with the ones who made it... (that's impossible! haha!) it's just that.. i saw my ex's name the moment the credits were shown... ugh! puro nalang ex ko noh? i'm kinda sick of it na rin... but why does it all show up!? don't ask me... i'm not the one who's asking for it! i'm trying to let go, remember??

enough about my past (which i'm trying to let go....).. i sent this text to a friend of mine named mike.. it's like this.. "pano kung di na tayo magkikita at magka-usap forever.. ano ung last sweet message mo for me besides 'goodbye'?" it's a gm [group message] but he's the only one who had the time to reply.. haha! it was very simple..

mike: "Sayang...Ü"
bianca: "hehe.. bakit naman?"
mike: "kasi di ko pa napapadama sayo ang tunay na pagmamahal ng isang kaibigan...Ü"

i don't know what he meant by that, but it sounded kinda sweet... Ü i didn't bother asking him why he texted that.. baka magulat lang ako.. hahaha!

separated

Ohh no no no no,

If love was a bird, then we wouldn't have wings,
If love was a sky, we'd be blue,
If love was a choir, you and I could never sing,
Cuz love isn't for me and you

If love was an oscar, you and I could never win,
Cuz we could never act out our parts
If love is the bible, then we are lost in sin,
Cuz it's not in our hearts

So why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life
And I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well
And I'll be fine
Cuz we're better off...seperated

If love was a fire, then we have lost the spark,
Love never felt so cold
If love was the light, then we're lost in the dark,
Left with no one to hold

If love was a sport, we're not on the same team,
You and i are destined to lose
If love was an ocean, then we are just a stream,
Cuz love isn't for me and you

Why don't you go your way
And I'll go mine
Live your life
And I'll live mine
Baby you'll do well
And I'll be fine
Cuz we're better off...seperated

Girl I know we had some good times,I
t's sad but now, we gotta say goodbye,
Girl you know I love you, I can't deny,
You can't say we didn't try to make it work for you and I,
I know it hurts, so much but it's best for us,
Somewhere along this windy road you know we lost the trust,
So I'll walk away, so you don't have to see me cry,
It's killing me, so, why don't you go

Why don't you go your way (ohhh)
And I'll go mine (baby)
Live your life (ooo)
And I'll live mine (I'll live mine)
Baby you'll do well (I'll be fine)
And I'll be fineCuz we're better off, so much better off

Go your way (Go your way)
And I'll go mine (I'll go mine)
Live your life (Your life)
I'll live mine
You'll do well (ohh hoo)
And I'll be fine
Cuz we're better off, soooo much beeeeetter off
So much better off...
Seperated

I'm sorry we didn't make it

seven black roses

When I leave,
I wanna wait for the silence
You gave me all you’ve got
But now I stand here waving at you

And you smile, you’re still looking back
Maybe I just wasn’t kind enough
I’m fighting urges to fall again
Yet I stumble

[Chorus]
These roses died three days since
Black roses died, we said goodbye
These roses died three days since
I’m sorry, I miss you

How do I remain complete
When all we bled is lost?
We could’ve burned the earth and sky
A second chance

The second spent
Each other’s shadow, should’ve known
I’m fighting urges to fall again
Yet I stumble

(Repeat Chorus)

Hear this, I’m yoursI’m at your feet

(Repeat Chorus)

Inside your heart you still remainBut faded letters are erased

10 questions (note: not a survey)

things i need and want to ask my so-called "boybud":

1. how are you?

2. why are you, and why did you avoid me?

3. do you have a reason?

4. are you aware that i STILL exist?

5. why do you keep on glancing at me?

6. do you miss me?

7. do you wish we were still bestfriends?

8. why are you so cold?

9. why did you change?

10. why were you mad at marty when we watched "kingkong"?
** i know.. it's kinda late.. but i want to know why...


those are just some of the questions i want him to answer... i can't let him be unless he answers them.. i don't know.. i guess i just miss my boybud.. :( and him acting that way before he started avoiding me seems so strange to me... haiii.. i miss you, kuya! :'(

what's happening?!

what's happening? about 3 days ago.. i started to cry about marty -- again! it was already late.. and i only know one guy who's still awake by that time.. si *a.. so, i texted him.. para naman mailabas ko toh db..? nasanay na kasi akong may iniiyakan.. ('cause my friends are getting mad at me for keeping everything i feel.. haha!) so, i began texting him... here's how it went..

bianca: ayoko na.. di ko na talaga kaya..
*a: bakit? umiiyak ka nanaman ba?
bianca: oo.. kaw kasi, naalala ko tuloy...
*a: kalimutan mo na kasi siya..
bianca: hindi ganun kadali makalimot.. at, may natulong ka na ba para kalimutan ko sya?!
*a: may natulong na ba ako? db inaangkin kita? bat di nalang kasi maging akin..
bianca: bakit mo ba ako inaangkin?!
*a: yoko na umiyak ka pa...
bianca: alam mo, naaawa ka lang.. wag na lang.. awa lang yan...
*a: di awa toh.. di ako naaawa sayo.. gusto kita....

it's actually longer than that.. but, i guess you know what happened next...

and yesterday, nag-parish involvement kami.. badtrip nga eh.. na-late kami.. haha! pero ok lang.. halos puro aniello ang na-late.. hehe.. eh aun, nung pinapasok na kami.. grabe.. we were grouped into two.. ang saya kasi ka-group ko ung aniello.. wooohooo!! parang 2nd yr lang uli.. hehe.. but the bad part is, Joshua is our groupmate.. grrrr!

deja vu?

hehe.. my cousin didn't know but i was there when he was talking to janine... shhh!!!

anyway, yesterday and today was quite the same.. someone made me remember my past love... so parang, ouch parin sya, db? i texted *a 'cause he's the one i run to when i'm down.. but i didn't know that it would end up THAT way! this was how our conversation began...

*a: "kalimutan mo na kasi sya.."
(well, that's hard to do, right?!)
bianca: "bakit, tinulungan mo na ba ako?!"
*a: "may natulong na ba ako? diba inaangkin kita? bat kasi hindi ka nalang maging akin eh..."
(wtf?!)

so, technically, you know how last night ended.. :)

ngayon naman, janine played the song "fallen" (i think i'm falling, falling fast again... why do i always take a fall.. when i fall in love...) who wouldn't feel bad about that?! pinapatamaan pa nya sakin! to the point na talagang napaluha ako...... :'( naalala ko tuloy ung former boybud ko.. i now realized, that once before.. i fell for him, too....

am i still holding on?

ok.. so, this is the new year already... 2007 na.. and why am i still shedding tears for him? i know.. first love ko si marty.. siguro i took it so emotionally.. lalo na ung nangyari nung december.. but, what does this mean? what does dirv introducing me to his friend, named MARTE mean?! see the difference? last letter lang.. just change it to "y".. gawd!! bakit ganito!? siguro nga dahil first love ko sya.. first boybud.. first kuya.. and is still my bestfriend.. that's why it's hard to get over him..

khalil... hehe.. the guy i'm slightly close to.. but he hasn't replied to any of my txts since last decemeber.. sayang nga eh... he's a nice guy.. and a good friend of mine.. i just don't know why he's not replying.. changed his number? maybe.. no load? up until now? maybe...

dirv.. the only guy i call "kuya" at the moment.. he's a nice guy.. kalog.. to the max.. haha! he comforted me when i needed it since the start.. that's why i call him kuya.. ang kulit nga nito eh.. pero, ang ayaw ko lang sa kanya is.. MAGKAMUKHA SILA NI MARTY!!!!

and then there's mike.. someone who i've been texting since '06.. obviously, we're STILL not close.. hehe.. considering i met him last year pa.. but... am i focusing on the little things too much?! what did he mean by "ok lang ba kung mas matanda ako sayo?" weird, right? maybe im just being too OC.. but, don't get me wrong.. i really want to be close to mike.. he's a really nice guy.. :) he seems to be the kind of guy who i want to be friends with.. bestfriends.. or a big bro...

aki,.. aki. aki. haha! my suitor who hasn't been texting me.. strange isn't it.. i don't know him that well.. except for the fact that he's into bossanova, and that kabarkada nya bestfriend ko, si justine.. mabait sya.. siguro, .. ewan.. hehe..

alvin? naku, ang ka-tropa ni gubat... isang napakakulit na nilalang.. but he's been there for me.. whenever im crying, he's the first person i text (besides my cousin, nin, and justine, pag may globe load ako...).. he's really nice.. nakakatawa and nakakatuwa sya ka-txt..

gubz.. my classmate.. lately ko lang sya naging ka-close.. siguro over the christmas break... like alvin, he's been there for me.. he's like my bigbro! :) un nga lang.. nang-aasar sya.. hehe.. he's nice, too.. :)

the new guy, marte.. i don't know him that well.. i just started texting him kanina.. it was pretty hard 'cause everytime i text him, i see the name 'marty'.. and i'm STILL in the "mending-my-broken-heart" stage.. right?

a lot of names were mentioned but still, marty's on my mind.. i can't get him out of it!!! HELP!!

not to mention my "best friend" joshua.. up until now, we haven't been talking to each other, smiling at each other, or even acknowledging each other... he's one of my kuyas.. and the strange thing is.. lumayo sya sakin right after we made up after an argument.. his reason? i still don't know.. i really wanna know why... why would he be not talking to me after we apologized to each other? isn't it strange?

so many boys, but they're just FRIENDS... not for the meantime.. not for so long.. not for too long.. just FRIENDS.. and i intend it to keep it that way.. so, i wouldn't lose any friendship that i gained.... you guys don't know how hard it is...

hiling - paramita

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