Forever

a couple of days more

coming is the day I used to long for

needing your touch, wanting to hear you speak

since the day I thought I was weak

moments of laughter I long to live again

being with you are times well spent

this life will never be the same

since everything started to become a game

thought nothing would break me

thinking I was living in safety..

just three words left me blue

the day I realized I was such a fool...

things will never be normal, it's a fact

I accept it now, though I still wish for you to come back

I hunger for you now, but I won't go down me knees

I can wait a little longer, but forever is a long time I can't please...

fate?

Have you tried avoiding someone? It wasn't that easy, was it? Especially, if the one you're trying to avoid, is your bestfriend. Fate sometimes gets in the way. Intentional? I don't know. But how much you tend to avoid him, the more fate draws him closer to you.

That's what I've been doing for almost a year now. And so does he. I really don't know what really happened, I just figured that my bestfriend is avoiding me. It started at the end of our soph year in HS. You guys know how it is to get in an arguement with your bestfriend. After the fight, you tend to become closer and your bond gets stronger. That's what we've been having everytime we argue. But the last one, was a different story.

It was just a petty argument. Nothing serious, nothing big, just plain petty. I couldn't stay mad at him since he was my bestfriend. So, I let my pride down and apologized (though I really don't have any reason to be sorry). He apologized, too. But our apologies were through text. So, I thought everything we'll go back to normal the next day. Unfortunately, it wasn't like that.

I went inside the classroom thinking that I would be spending the day with every one of my classmates (since it was the last day). The moment I saw him, I felt something. It wasn't anything good. I knew, right then and there, that everything would change. He had that look in his eyes that seemed to want to talk to me, yet something's holding him back. Just like what I was feeling. The whole day, we felt awkward -- every one of our classmates felt that whenever they come near us. I felt sad, I didn't know why it was like that. I wanted to ask him, but it seems I couldn't. The fact that I know him so well, makes me think "he'd just snob me.." or something like that. I was really sad that we had to part ways like that. And up to now, Junior year is coming to its end, we still don't talk.

I always see him. I always bump into him. But I never wanted those moments. Everyday, I feel bad whenever I see him. You know that feeling.... when you're 100% sure that the other person feels it, too.? just like love, but this one, it's more of awkwardness. I don't know why, or how, but it seems every freakin' day, we see each other.

Sometimes I just want to walk up to him and tell him everything I feel. But in the back of my mind, I know I can't do it. Sometimes, i think he wouldn't talk to me, he would just pass by me. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't care, like he forgot about me... That he forgot that I existed. But there are times that prove me wrong. Actually, everytime un.. everytime I catch him looking at me.....

love.

love can never be explained. it's something everybody feels, but somehow we can't explain what it is.

February. It had been just another ordinary month for me. nothing important, whatsoever. But since I met him, my whole world changed. I can't celebrate my birthday without thinking what yesterday should've been. I can't get through the day without thinking what would happen if we were still an item. But all I could do now is to wonder. Nothing more, nothing less. Wishing I could turn back time. Everybody knows that's impossible, right? But I'm just wishing, there's nothing wrong with that.

I thought feeling "love" would make me feel like I'm in Cloud9.. I was right. It felt like it. But when it had to end, everything went tumbling down, as if none of what I've worked hard for meant something. Tears started to come. My heart started to ache as if it was the end. Those tears never stopped. It came by every night, just before I was going to sleep.

vday confession...

ugh.. my mom woke me up early, but i still wanted to sleep.. T_T so much for waking up late... ugh.. may pasok pa bukas! ano ba yan!! tapos na ako sa health, di pa sa caf T_T.. ap, wala akong book eh.. hehe.. un lang naman db? ay! onga pala.. may screening daw bukas.. para sa mga tatakbo sa SAGE.. kayanin ko kaya?! kalaban ko pa nga si jhay eh.. T_T sure lose na ako dyan.. huhuhu.. close friend ko pa naman un.. hehe.. kainis kasi eh.. may re-shuffle pa silang nalalaman.. hehe.. pero, okay lang.. sana lang manalo ako.. ahaha.. malaking SANA..

grabe, one month to go, one year na kaming di nag-uusap ni josh.. haha! natalo ko nga si kimmy.. hehe.. but, i'm not happy about it.. parang it feels awkward whenever i see him or whenever he's near me.. lagi akong may iniiwasan... ewan ko ba.. i admit, i want to talk to him.. i just can't seem to do it.. siguro i'll just feel rejected, in the sense na ayaw niya akong kausapin, or titignan lang niya ako pag nagsasalita ako, o NR (no reaction).. db?! i think i've had enough rejection for the meantime.. imagine.. 9 months na akong ganito.. 9 months ko parin mahal si marty.. 9 months na akong umaasa.. at 9 months na rin akong nasasaktan.. and am i on the verge of giving up? i don't think so.. am i doing the right thing? i really don't know.. sobra na ata pagka-martyr ko.. (pati ba naman sa salitang 'martyr' may 'marty'.. taena!!!) pero, i really don't know why i am not and why i can't give up.. siguro lang, i'm still hoping that one day, he'll realize that he still loves me (which he said that he still does..).. that he wants to be with me again.. but this is the 'stupid' me who's talking.. maybe when my friends get the chance to read this, they'll roll their eyes and say "wake up!!!"

i think i never really listened to what my friends had to and has to say.. un bang pasok sa kaliwa, labas sa kanan.. haha! (sorry guys!) they've said TONS of hurtful things to me... i took it all.. pero, i think it never really went inside my head that i should give up... parang "HELLO! someone gave me up.. why don't i do the same to him!?" let's just say i can't, i won't, i will never.. ehehe.. i love the guy too much, not too much that i love him more than myself... siguro between him and myself.. 75:25.. 75 sakin, 25 sa kanya..

haii... eto na yata ung pinakamahaba kong entry sa blog.. since love month ngayon.. i don't want to dwell on the past 'cause it'll just make me bleed till i make myself bleed, literally.. do you guys know what's kinda irritating? the fact that, he's my first bf, date, whatever.. first love... basta! to make the long crap short (haha! bitter?) lahat ng first ko, siya.. (o, ano iniisip mo diyan!? haha..) by being my first love, i still hope he'll be my last.. i remember we were thinking of how our wedding will be.. names of our kids (exhage.. haha!) but, he's the guy who really cared for me.. who really loved me.. and he didn't just say it.. he proved it to me millions of times already.. he was there when i was sick.. he wasn't just there.. he always make sure that i was okay.. there was a time that he didn't sleep unless he knew from me that i am home, resting, about to sleep, before he does.. there was also a time when he visited me when i had a high fever.. he didn't just go there to see me.. but he really took care of me... he showed me how much he loved me in ways i never imagine a guy could do...

i won't say that i'm so stupid to leave him.. 'cause in the first place, i NEVER left him.. i knew how much he loved me.. that he almost gave me ALL OF HIS TIME.. but before our junior year in high school started.. i wanted to make sure that none of us will fail.. that the both of us will get not just good grades, but high grades... i wanted him to get into a good college/university.. 'cause i remember him telling me that he wanted to pass the UPCAT when he takes it... i wanted him to be on top of his class... i wanted him to focus on his studies more... and less of me.. and i got it.. more than what i wanted.. he never remembered me.. i didn't want this to happen.. i didn't want him to forget about me.. i didn't want him to leave me.. i didn't want him to give me up...........

he thought i didn't love him anymore.. he never knew what i just wrote.. he thought i didn't want him.. he didn't know how much I LOVE HIM!!!! he doesn't know that i love him still.. he doesn't even know that i'm crying while I'm making this entry... i can't believe he, of all people, would give me up.. :'( i don't know how he did it.. i don't know why... and i still want to know why... i admit, i hurt him at times.. but it was never intentional!!! kung gaano ko siya nasaktan, walang binatbat un sa sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon! di niya alam kung gaano ako nasasaktan sa ginawa niya! but though i felt hurt, or betrayed.. i can't get mad at him.. kahit anong gawin ko... HINDI KO KAYANG MAGALIT SA KANYA.. ewan.. eto na yata ung sinasabi nilang pagka-martyr.. pero, mahal ko ung tao eh..... kahit anong gawin ko.. di ko talaga kaya.. ganun ko siya ka-mahal... and i don't think i'll ever love a guy as much as i loved him... :'(

once he told me, he loved me more than his first girlfriend.. now, i hope, sa lahat ng magiging girlfriend niya.. ako ung girlfriend na sobra-sobra ang pagmamahal na binigay niya..(sound selfish noh?) ung sobra-sobra talaga... to the point na hinding hindi niya ako makakalimutan.. kasi, di ko siya makakalimutan..

run!

i'm gonna run! hehe.. i don't know why.. but i am serious.. though i'm pretty sure i'll lose.. T_T

i talked to mitch.. she made me read something.. i almost cried while i was reading it.. i found those words that i didn't, and I WILL NEVER want to hear from marty.. gawd.. sa ibang tao lang sinabi un.. pero i was reminded of him while i was reading it.. it hurts.. i'm crying.. right now.. it's just so unfortunate that he couldn't and will never read this.. ayoko na marinig pa lahat ng sasabihin niya pag nabasa niya ito.. alam ko namang mahabang homily about moving on lang un eh.. di niya kasi alam kung ano nararamdaman ko.. YES! i still don't know why he would give up.. eh kung ako kaya ang nag-give up sa kanya dati, di kaya siya magkakaganito!? palibhasa kasi, he knows that i never did, and i never will give him up.. f*ck! di niya alam kung gaano kasakit nararamdaman ko... :'(