vday confession...

ugh.. my mom woke me up early, but i still wanted to sleep.. T_T so much for waking up late... ugh.. may pasok pa bukas! ano ba yan!! tapos na ako sa health, di pa sa caf T_T.. ap, wala akong book eh.. hehe.. un lang naman db? ay! onga pala.. may screening daw bukas.. para sa mga tatakbo sa SAGE.. kayanin ko kaya?! kalaban ko pa nga si jhay eh.. T_T sure lose na ako dyan.. huhuhu.. close friend ko pa naman un.. hehe.. kainis kasi eh.. may re-shuffle pa silang nalalaman.. hehe.. pero, okay lang.. sana lang manalo ako.. ahaha.. malaking SANA..

grabe, one month to go, one year na kaming di nag-uusap ni josh.. haha! natalo ko nga si kimmy.. hehe.. but, i'm not happy about it.. parang it feels awkward whenever i see him or whenever he's near me.. lagi akong may iniiwasan... ewan ko ba.. i admit, i want to talk to him.. i just can't seem to do it.. siguro i'll just feel rejected, in the sense na ayaw niya akong kausapin, or titignan lang niya ako pag nagsasalita ako, o NR (no reaction).. db?! i think i've had enough rejection for the meantime.. imagine.. 9 months na akong ganito.. 9 months ko parin mahal si marty.. 9 months na akong umaasa.. at 9 months na rin akong nasasaktan.. and am i on the verge of giving up? i don't think so.. am i doing the right thing? i really don't know.. sobra na ata pagka-martyr ko.. (pati ba naman sa salitang 'martyr' may 'marty'.. taena!!!) pero, i really don't know why i am not and why i can't give up.. siguro lang, i'm still hoping that one day, he'll realize that he still loves me (which he said that he still does..).. that he wants to be with me again.. but this is the 'stupid' me who's talking.. maybe when my friends get the chance to read this, they'll roll their eyes and say "wake up!!!"

i think i never really listened to what my friends had to and has to say.. un bang pasok sa kaliwa, labas sa kanan.. haha! (sorry guys!) they've said TONS of hurtful things to me... i took it all.. pero, i think it never really went inside my head that i should give up... parang "HELLO! someone gave me up.. why don't i do the same to him!?" let's just say i can't, i won't, i will never.. ehehe.. i love the guy too much, not too much that i love him more than myself... siguro between him and myself.. 75:25.. 75 sakin, 25 sa kanya..

haii... eto na yata ung pinakamahaba kong entry sa blog.. since love month ngayon.. i don't want to dwell on the past 'cause it'll just make me bleed till i make myself bleed, literally.. do you guys know what's kinda irritating? the fact that, he's my first bf, date, whatever.. first love... basta! to make the long crap short (haha! bitter?) lahat ng first ko, siya.. (o, ano iniisip mo diyan!? haha..) by being my first love, i still hope he'll be my last.. i remember we were thinking of how our wedding will be.. names of our kids (exhage.. haha!) but, he's the guy who really cared for me.. who really loved me.. and he didn't just say it.. he proved it to me millions of times already.. he was there when i was sick.. he wasn't just there.. he always make sure that i was okay.. there was a time that he didn't sleep unless he knew from me that i am home, resting, about to sleep, before he does.. there was also a time when he visited me when i had a high fever.. he didn't just go there to see me.. but he really took care of me... he showed me how much he loved me in ways i never imagine a guy could do...

i won't say that i'm so stupid to leave him.. 'cause in the first place, i NEVER left him.. i knew how much he loved me.. that he almost gave me ALL OF HIS TIME.. but before our junior year in high school started.. i wanted to make sure that none of us will fail.. that the both of us will get not just good grades, but high grades... i wanted him to get into a good college/university.. 'cause i remember him telling me that he wanted to pass the UPCAT when he takes it... i wanted him to be on top of his class... i wanted him to focus on his studies more... and less of me.. and i got it.. more than what i wanted.. he never remembered me.. i didn't want this to happen.. i didn't want him to forget about me.. i didn't want him to leave me.. i didn't want him to give me up...........

he thought i didn't love him anymore.. he never knew what i just wrote.. he thought i didn't want him.. he didn't know how much I LOVE HIM!!!! he doesn't know that i love him still.. he doesn't even know that i'm crying while I'm making this entry... i can't believe he, of all people, would give me up.. :'( i don't know how he did it.. i don't know why... and i still want to know why... i admit, i hurt him at times.. but it was never intentional!!! kung gaano ko siya nasaktan, walang binatbat un sa sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon! di niya alam kung gaano ako nasasaktan sa ginawa niya! but though i felt hurt, or betrayed.. i can't get mad at him.. kahit anong gawin ko... HINDI KO KAYANG MAGALIT SA KANYA.. ewan.. eto na yata ung sinasabi nilang pagka-martyr.. pero, mahal ko ung tao eh..... kahit anong gawin ko.. di ko talaga kaya.. ganun ko siya ka-mahal... and i don't think i'll ever love a guy as much as i loved him... :'(

once he told me, he loved me more than his first girlfriend.. now, i hope, sa lahat ng magiging girlfriend niya.. ako ung girlfriend na sobra-sobra ang pagmamahal na binigay niya..(sound selfish noh?) ung sobra-sobra talaga... to the point na hinding hindi niya ako makakalimutan.. kasi, di ko siya makakalimutan..