the thought of you

ugh! i can't help it. why are you still on my mind? di ko na kaya! masyado na akong nasaktan! di ko na kaya!!! pero, di ko naman alam kung bakit di kita kayang i-letg0....

every single day hurts like hell. i kinda wanna throw my globe fone away. parang, hello?! akala ko ba bestfriends tayo!? eh bat parang hindi ka comfortable sa ganung setup? eh ikaw naman ang may gusto niyan dba?! i still feel it in my heart. i know, i know for a fact that you're still in my heart.. gawd.... i love you so much! do you know how hard it is for me to keep it to myself?! lahat ng effort na binigay mo sakin, i noticed it. i noticed every single one of them. pero bakit kung ako na ang gagawa ng effort, kung ako na ang manghihingi ng chance sayo, hindi mo naman kayang ibigay!!! ano toh?! parusa?! dahil kailangan ko lang ng time para sa studies NATIN?! ganun na ba un?!

i promised that i will NEVER let go, as you did. i promised i will ALWAYS hold on, as you did. but why is it that i was, and I AM the only one who can do it, and still continue to do it?! bakit, nahirapan ka ba? ako ba, hindi ba ako nahirapan!? hirap na hirap na ako! di ko kayang mawala ka! tapos ganyan lang ang gagawin mo!?!? hirap na hirap na ako!! 9 months akong naghihintay! eh ikaw, hindi ka man lang umabot ng 1-2 months eh!! june pa lang, BUMITIW KA NA!? how could you do that to me?! how could you leave me behind?! HOW COULD YOU!!??

sometimes, i call myself "pathetic" for even waiting here for you. why would i waste my time on someone who let go of me?! why would i waste my time on someone who couldn't even talk to me, or even text me up?! why would i waste my tears on someone who have stopped crying for me? why would i waste my love on someone who i'm not sure loves me back? why? because i'm willing to risk anything for him..

he was someone who i thought was worth risking anything. i knew for a fact that nothing would be wasted if i risked anything just for him. now, since he let go of me... since he couldn't give me the only chance i have asked for him.. i think i'm having some doubts.

i would wait for him. i'm still waiting for him. i'll keep on holding on to that promise we've made. i'll NEVER let go of him., of the promise, and of the dreams we've made. but everything has limitations, everything changes. i'm not saying that i will.. just keep in mind,.. i'm risking everything for you. I love you so damn much! but i'm starting to slip away.. it's getting too painful for me to handle.... i can only take in too much...... but whatever happens, i'll still love him.. i hope he realizes it...