the thought of you

ugh! i can't help it. why are you still on my mind? di ko na kaya! masyado na akong nasaktan! di ko na kaya!!! pero, di ko naman alam kung bakit di kita kayang i-letg0....

every single day hurts like hell. i kinda wanna throw my globe fone away. parang, hello?! akala ko ba bestfriends tayo!? eh bat parang hindi ka comfortable sa ganung setup? eh ikaw naman ang may gusto niyan dba?! i still feel it in my heart. i know, i know for a fact that you're still in my heart.. gawd.... i love you so much! do you know how hard it is for me to keep it to myself?! lahat ng effort na binigay mo sakin, i noticed it. i noticed every single one of them. pero bakit kung ako na ang gagawa ng effort, kung ako na ang manghihingi ng chance sayo, hindi mo naman kayang ibigay!!! ano toh?! parusa?! dahil kailangan ko lang ng time para sa studies NATIN?! ganun na ba un?!

i promised that i will NEVER let go, as you did. i promised i will ALWAYS hold on, as you did. but why is it that i was, and I AM the only one who can do it, and still continue to do it?! bakit, nahirapan ka ba? ako ba, hindi ba ako nahirapan!? hirap na hirap na ako! di ko kayang mawala ka! tapos ganyan lang ang gagawin mo!?!? hirap na hirap na ako!! 9 months akong naghihintay! eh ikaw, hindi ka man lang umabot ng 1-2 months eh!! june pa lang, BUMITIW KA NA!? how could you do that to me?! how could you leave me behind?! HOW COULD YOU!!??

sometimes, i call myself "pathetic" for even waiting here for you. why would i waste my time on someone who let go of me?! why would i waste my time on someone who couldn't even talk to me, or even text me up?! why would i waste my tears on someone who have stopped crying for me? why would i waste my love on someone who i'm not sure loves me back? why? because i'm willing to risk anything for him..

he was someone who i thought was worth risking anything. i knew for a fact that nothing would be wasted if i risked anything just for him. now, since he let go of me... since he couldn't give me the only chance i have asked for him.. i think i'm having some doubts.

i would wait for him. i'm still waiting for him. i'll keep on holding on to that promise we've made. i'll NEVER let go of him., of the promise, and of the dreams we've made. but everything has limitations, everything changes. i'm not saying that i will.. just keep in mind,.. i'm risking everything for you. I love you so damn much! but i'm starting to slip away.. it's getting too painful for me to handle.... i can only take in too much...... but whatever happens, i'll still love him.. i hope he realizes it...

seven

Perfect is such a figurative word. Everybody wants a "perfect score" on every test. Everybody wants to have a "perfect life". Every girl wants to meet that "perfect guy" and have a "perfect love story". But you see, "perfect" doesn't exist, it never existed! All hopes and dreams will just shatter with that word. Still, everybody hopes for one.

I thought I once had that "perfect love". He wasn't perfect at all, but for me, he's all that I needed. He's a gentleman, caring, sweet, understanding, funny, always there for me, to protect me, and he loved me. He's the living definition of "perfect" to me. But like what I said ("All hopes and dreams will just shatter... blahblahblah..), "perfect" doesn't exist, right? My "perfect" man did, but the "perfect" love didn't last as long as I thought it would be.

He never left my side. He was my knight-in-shining-armor. He was there to protect me. He was there for me especially in times I never expect him to be there. He loved me whole-heartedly. He took care of me as I was somewhat something precious. He gave me everything (non-material) that I needed. He made me realize that I didn't need any material thing just to be happy. He wrote me love letters. He gave me gifts, even at times when there's no occasion. He was there during my ups-and-downs. He fought for me. He was my pillow, my shoulder to cry on, my comfort zone. He was my cookie, my baby, my baby bear, my journal. He proved to me that he can go out of his way just for me. He was there to be with me whenever I was lonely. He never failed to show me how much he cares for me, how much he loves me, how much I mean to him, how important I was to him. As for me? I never failed to do anything. I knew how much he loved me, and I knew how much I loved him. Though words can never express it.

I loved him with all my heart. I fought for him. I wanted to be with him. But somehow, sometimes he feels like I wasn't "acting like myself." My reason? I was so scared that my parents would find out. Why? Just because I didn't want to lose him, I never want to lose him. He kinda understood that. but...

When I broke it off, I told him why. Studies. Studies. Studies. It's true. But I didn't tell him about my family. He knew I didn't want to lose the trust my parents entrusted to me. What he didn't know, was they kinda know about it.

He made promises. He swore. Every little thing he said, I believed him. I never doubted that he would fail to do them, because he never failed to do what he told me he would. He said he's wait, I believed, I waited. Months I've endured without him. It was hard, I must say. But I knew I had to go through it, I kept thinking that this is only a challenge. But I thought wrong.

On the seventh month, I asked him again. He couldn't answer. I asked him if he loved me. He kept on saying stuffs. But he couldn't say yes or no. I was hurt. It felt like someone has stabbed my heart and kept on stabbing it until there was nothing left of it. Then it struck me, I waited for something that would never happen.:(

i miss you blog!

it's been awhile since i last posted. mga 5days ago lang naman.. haha! anyway, random things have been randomly swimming down my mind. haha!

i just came to my senses that everything has its own ending and sometimes, its not as "happy" as we want it to be... it can be about our relationships, friendships, love, or just life in general. but when you think about it, letting it all go is the only solution. Just by saying that, you know (every one of you knows) how hard letting go of something so special to you feels, right?

i admit, i may be foolish for posting tons of things about my "boy bud" and my ex (who i still love so much!). some of you might think it's pathetic. some of you are taking sides with me. but when you start to fill in to my shoes, you'd realize how hard it is. especially, if you have loved someone so true, and completely, and truly as much as i did.

some of my friends have read the entries in my blog. they say it's useless, and pointless to put things about the past here. but have you ever wondered what the reasons are for some of the entries of the bloggers around the world? especially those entries where you think is too personal for them. this blog has been my comfort zone since none of my friends are trying to listen to me, or be there for me at times when i need them the most. some of them are being sarcastic to me when i even try to bring the topic up! i just don't get it. how could you be sarcastic to your friend who needs comfort?

all my thoughts, my pain, sorrow, anger, and everything in between are in this blog. no one had the time to listen to it. this blog was all i got. i thought putting all my thoughts here would help me mend my broken heart. but no. until now, the hurt still resides in me. i know everything has its own ending. but why can't i find the ending of this phase? maybe i did. i just couldn't let it end. and i don't even know why.

walk away - paula deanda

I saw you with your new girl just yesterday and I feel that I must confess
even though it kills me to have to say ill admit that I was impressed
is it calling just showed up affection
gotta commend you on your selection
though I know I shouldnt be concerned
in the back of my mind I cant help but question

does she rub your feet (when you've had a long day)
scratch your scalp (when you take out your braids)
does she know that you (like to play ps2 till 6 in the morning like I do)

[chorus] I cant explain this feeling
I think about it everyday
and even though we've moved on
it gets so hard to walk away

I guess I gotta live my life from day to day hoping maybe you'll come back
and though I tell myself not to be afraid to move on but it seems I cant
no other man has given me attention
it aint the same as your affection though
I know I should be content
in the back of my mind I cant help but question

does he kiss me on the forehead (before we play)
show on my doorstep (with a bouquet)
does he call me in the middle of the day (just to say)
baby I love you (like you used too)

[chorus]

[bridge] so hard to express this feeling cause nobody compares to you (to you)
and you know she'll never love you like I do

***it really is hard to walk away. this song says it all. this is true, for him and i. well, except for the new guy/girl part. that is so not true! (for me atleast, i'm not sure about him) it hurts. i had a class with his cousin's section. it was fun. until she made me remember him. i wanted to cry. i wanted to tell her everything. i wanted her to let him know everything. but the thing is, we weren't alone. like what i said, i was a student-teacher for today. i taught classes. max. # of students in a class in grade3 is 45. so, tell me, how could i cry with that number of kids?!

Ate Bianca: student-teacher

The title says it all. I am a student-teacher. Well, for the day. haha!

I kinda got in late -- AGAIN! They were starting the assembly in the gym (for the HS students), and in the classrooms (for the Elem. students) already. So, I went straight to my advisory class, Grade3-Pio. During the assembly, I caught some of them looking at me. Haha! Some of the girls there even liked what I wore. hehe. We had a seatwork. Mrs. Cabalona was the one who prepared it. All I had to do was to write on the diary "Science - Bring one tennis ball on Monday (if there's any) for the activity." haha. I memorized it. Try writing that on the diary corner of EVERY 3rd Grade class. Then, we had the chance to check their work!Ü

Then, I followed my schedule. The most behave class that I handled were 3-Angela and Celano, the most energetic was 3-John, the most lively was my advisory class, 3-Pio, and the naughtiest were 3-Lawrence, and Peter.

They asked for my autograph, and my number! haha. Some of them were still shy towards me. Though I try to make it a point that I get to know all of them. But in every section, there were some students who I got to know. In Pio, there were Rebecca, Mari Kyle, Joseph, Aljin, and my bestfriend there (haha.) Juswille (is it with an 'a' or with a 'u'?).

Some brothers and sisters of my batchmates were my students. Like Jillian (Justine), Robin's sis, Stephen (Ivan), Alvin's bro, Abbie C.'s sis, Thea's cousin. haha! I can't remember them all. They're just so many!

I hope it'll be until Monday. I really had a blast!Ü It was very tiring, though. I know now how hard it is to be a teacher. I'll really miss those kids who I got to know. Especially in 3-Pio.Ü

Student-teacher? ME?!

Stupid. The best word to describe me.Ü Lately, I've been meeting "new guys", though I'm just wasting my time since I'm "trying" to forget *him* through them. Bad, harsh, evil, mean? I know. I'm not doing it on purpose. It just seems that when I start liking someone "new", he'll walk away from me (not literally) and THAT will make me think about *him* more. 9 months and counting, and yet he's still a part of me. He'll always be a part of me. I still linger for him. Too bad, though. He doesn't know how much he means to me. I want to show him how much he means to me, the only thing I need from him is a chance. I gave him all the chances that he needed, or he wanted! But me? This IS the only time that I'M needing A chance. But he can't even give me JUST ONE! It's getting in my nerves, I just don't know why I can't give up. :'(

Today, I had 2 meetings in a row. One, was for the SAGE (student council).. late pa nga kami eh! All the while we thought we were early. Un pala, Magkaiba ung time sa clock ng library compared sa canteen. haha! Then, meeting for the student counterparts of the different teachers in school. I was assigned to a Grade3 Science teacher, si Ms.Cabalona. WAAAH! Ang tataas ng energy nila! One class pa lang, pagod na ako! but it was funÜ First time ko kasi mag-student-teacher. heheÜ

Well, tomorrow, whole day akong teacher. Sana kayanin ko.. T_T and as for the certain *him* that I was referring to kanina., I'll give it a rest for awhile. He's not the only guy in the world, right? But he's the only guy who can treat me that way.. :'(

I still..

valentine's day.. it was the day when he would give so much effort just to make me feel special. But that was before. Before we broke up.

I've accepted it. For awhile, I was still craving for you. I wanted you, I was needing you. But then, I felt I was craving for someone more than to you. I started missing him. I wanted to talk to him every chance I get. But at the end of the day, I still think of you.

I miss you, still. I love you, still. I still cry when I read your letters or hear your voice, and even when I hear/read your name. But, I love someone new. It's kinda odd writing it, it's odd even saying it, but true. I couldn't imagine myself being with another guy, but here I am, revealing it all. I still cry. I am crying. I wonder what you'll say when I tell you I love someone else. Would it matter to you? Would you even care?

At one point, everybody will learn how to let go. But what if you think you let go, you've started to love someone else, but your heart starts beating fast the moment something reminds you of the past, what will happen? What will you do? Nothing? I don't think so. There's a solution for every problem. It's obvious, sometimes, we just pretend like we don't see it. We think it'll stop the hurt, the pain. But it only grows stronger, deeper. Just like that saying that I heard in One Tree Hill... "How can you ease the hurt that never stops?"

For a fact, I love him. I love someone new. But the hardest thing is, I still love you....

someone's special day

just another ordinary day? i doubt that... it's Marty's 17th birthday today.. i greeted him kaninang 12:12am... ang aga noh? loka-loka na siguro ako at hinintay ko pa ang midnight... haii..

anyway, my friend (marte) gave my number to this guy named paolo (though i call him "pao" 'cause he told me to.. haha!) he's nice.. another textmate, friend, and another guy that i know sa DonBosco Makati.. dumadami na ah.. haha!! ang bait nga niya eh.. i was surprised when he said he's living in betterliving (that's where i live.. :D) in parañaque.. then i told myself "bat ka pa nagulat? eh kung si Marty nga taga-SunValley nag-aaral sa LaSalle Greenhills, eto pang si Pao na taga-BetterLiving nag-aaral sa DonBoscoMakati?!" haha! stupid me...

alvin hasn't texted me yet.. getting kinda worried/don't care/ suspicious.. worried 'cause something might have happened to him.. don't care 'cause he's always like that.. suspicious 'cause gelo REPEATEDLY tells me that he's a player... i don't wanna be fooled, right?!

if you noticed, i've been writing different names of different guys.. one reason, to forget about *him*.. it's kinda tiring, though.. 'cause it's not working anyway...


PS: HAPPY 17th BIRTHDAY MARTY!

Forever

a couple of days more

coming is the day I used to long for

needing your touch, wanting to hear you speak

since the day I thought I was weak

moments of laughter I long to live again

being with you are times well spent

this life will never be the same

since everything started to become a game

thought nothing would break me

thinking I was living in safety..

just three words left me blue

the day I realized I was such a fool...

things will never be normal, it's a fact

I accept it now, though I still wish for you to come back

I hunger for you now, but I won't go down me knees

I can wait a little longer, but forever is a long time I can't please...

fate?

Have you tried avoiding someone? It wasn't that easy, was it? Especially, if the one you're trying to avoid, is your bestfriend. Fate sometimes gets in the way. Intentional? I don't know. But how much you tend to avoid him, the more fate draws him closer to you.

That's what I've been doing for almost a year now. And so does he. I really don't know what really happened, I just figured that my bestfriend is avoiding me. It started at the end of our soph year in HS. You guys know how it is to get in an arguement with your bestfriend. After the fight, you tend to become closer and your bond gets stronger. That's what we've been having everytime we argue. But the last one, was a different story.

It was just a petty argument. Nothing serious, nothing big, just plain petty. I couldn't stay mad at him since he was my bestfriend. So, I let my pride down and apologized (though I really don't have any reason to be sorry). He apologized, too. But our apologies were through text. So, I thought everything we'll go back to normal the next day. Unfortunately, it wasn't like that.

I went inside the classroom thinking that I would be spending the day with every one of my classmates (since it was the last day). The moment I saw him, I felt something. It wasn't anything good. I knew, right then and there, that everything would change. He had that look in his eyes that seemed to want to talk to me, yet something's holding him back. Just like what I was feeling. The whole day, we felt awkward -- every one of our classmates felt that whenever they come near us. I felt sad, I didn't know why it was like that. I wanted to ask him, but it seems I couldn't. The fact that I know him so well, makes me think "he'd just snob me.." or something like that. I was really sad that we had to part ways like that. And up to now, Junior year is coming to its end, we still don't talk.

I always see him. I always bump into him. But I never wanted those moments. Everyday, I feel bad whenever I see him. You know that feeling.... when you're 100% sure that the other person feels it, too.? just like love, but this one, it's more of awkwardness. I don't know why, or how, but it seems every freakin' day, we see each other.

Sometimes I just want to walk up to him and tell him everything I feel. But in the back of my mind, I know I can't do it. Sometimes, i think he wouldn't talk to me, he would just pass by me. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't care, like he forgot about me... That he forgot that I existed. But there are times that prove me wrong. Actually, everytime un.. everytime I catch him looking at me.....

love.

love can never be explained. it's something everybody feels, but somehow we can't explain what it is.

February. It had been just another ordinary month for me. nothing important, whatsoever. But since I met him, my whole world changed. I can't celebrate my birthday without thinking what yesterday should've been. I can't get through the day without thinking what would happen if we were still an item. But all I could do now is to wonder. Nothing more, nothing less. Wishing I could turn back time. Everybody knows that's impossible, right? But I'm just wishing, there's nothing wrong with that.

I thought feeling "love" would make me feel like I'm in Cloud9.. I was right. It felt like it. But when it had to end, everything went tumbling down, as if none of what I've worked hard for meant something. Tears started to come. My heart started to ache as if it was the end. Those tears never stopped. It came by every night, just before I was going to sleep.

vday confession...

ugh.. my mom woke me up early, but i still wanted to sleep.. T_T so much for waking up late... ugh.. may pasok pa bukas! ano ba yan!! tapos na ako sa health, di pa sa caf T_T.. ap, wala akong book eh.. hehe.. un lang naman db? ay! onga pala.. may screening daw bukas.. para sa mga tatakbo sa SAGE.. kayanin ko kaya?! kalaban ko pa nga si jhay eh.. T_T sure lose na ako dyan.. huhuhu.. close friend ko pa naman un.. hehe.. kainis kasi eh.. may re-shuffle pa silang nalalaman.. hehe.. pero, okay lang.. sana lang manalo ako.. ahaha.. malaking SANA..

grabe, one month to go, one year na kaming di nag-uusap ni josh.. haha! natalo ko nga si kimmy.. hehe.. but, i'm not happy about it.. parang it feels awkward whenever i see him or whenever he's near me.. lagi akong may iniiwasan... ewan ko ba.. i admit, i want to talk to him.. i just can't seem to do it.. siguro i'll just feel rejected, in the sense na ayaw niya akong kausapin, or titignan lang niya ako pag nagsasalita ako, o NR (no reaction).. db?! i think i've had enough rejection for the meantime.. imagine.. 9 months na akong ganito.. 9 months ko parin mahal si marty.. 9 months na akong umaasa.. at 9 months na rin akong nasasaktan.. and am i on the verge of giving up? i don't think so.. am i doing the right thing? i really don't know.. sobra na ata pagka-martyr ko.. (pati ba naman sa salitang 'martyr' may 'marty'.. taena!!!) pero, i really don't know why i am not and why i can't give up.. siguro lang, i'm still hoping that one day, he'll realize that he still loves me (which he said that he still does..).. that he wants to be with me again.. but this is the 'stupid' me who's talking.. maybe when my friends get the chance to read this, they'll roll their eyes and say "wake up!!!"

i think i never really listened to what my friends had to and has to say.. un bang pasok sa kaliwa, labas sa kanan.. haha! (sorry guys!) they've said TONS of hurtful things to me... i took it all.. pero, i think it never really went inside my head that i should give up... parang "HELLO! someone gave me up.. why don't i do the same to him!?" let's just say i can't, i won't, i will never.. ehehe.. i love the guy too much, not too much that i love him more than myself... siguro between him and myself.. 75:25.. 75 sakin, 25 sa kanya..

haii... eto na yata ung pinakamahaba kong entry sa blog.. since love month ngayon.. i don't want to dwell on the past 'cause it'll just make me bleed till i make myself bleed, literally.. do you guys know what's kinda irritating? the fact that, he's my first bf, date, whatever.. first love... basta! to make the long crap short (haha! bitter?) lahat ng first ko, siya.. (o, ano iniisip mo diyan!? haha..) by being my first love, i still hope he'll be my last.. i remember we were thinking of how our wedding will be.. names of our kids (exhage.. haha!) but, he's the guy who really cared for me.. who really loved me.. and he didn't just say it.. he proved it to me millions of times already.. he was there when i was sick.. he wasn't just there.. he always make sure that i was okay.. there was a time that he didn't sleep unless he knew from me that i am home, resting, about to sleep, before he does.. there was also a time when he visited me when i had a high fever.. he didn't just go there to see me.. but he really took care of me... he showed me how much he loved me in ways i never imagine a guy could do...

i won't say that i'm so stupid to leave him.. 'cause in the first place, i NEVER left him.. i knew how much he loved me.. that he almost gave me ALL OF HIS TIME.. but before our junior year in high school started.. i wanted to make sure that none of us will fail.. that the both of us will get not just good grades, but high grades... i wanted him to get into a good college/university.. 'cause i remember him telling me that he wanted to pass the UPCAT when he takes it... i wanted him to be on top of his class... i wanted him to focus on his studies more... and less of me.. and i got it.. more than what i wanted.. he never remembered me.. i didn't want this to happen.. i didn't want him to forget about me.. i didn't want him to leave me.. i didn't want him to give me up...........

he thought i didn't love him anymore.. he never knew what i just wrote.. he thought i didn't want him.. he didn't know how much I LOVE HIM!!!! he doesn't know that i love him still.. he doesn't even know that i'm crying while I'm making this entry... i can't believe he, of all people, would give me up.. :'( i don't know how he did it.. i don't know why... and i still want to know why... i admit, i hurt him at times.. but it was never intentional!!! kung gaano ko siya nasaktan, walang binatbat un sa sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon! di niya alam kung gaano ako nasasaktan sa ginawa niya! but though i felt hurt, or betrayed.. i can't get mad at him.. kahit anong gawin ko... HINDI KO KAYANG MAGALIT SA KANYA.. ewan.. eto na yata ung sinasabi nilang pagka-martyr.. pero, mahal ko ung tao eh..... kahit anong gawin ko.. di ko talaga kaya.. ganun ko siya ka-mahal... and i don't think i'll ever love a guy as much as i loved him... :'(

once he told me, he loved me more than his first girlfriend.. now, i hope, sa lahat ng magiging girlfriend niya.. ako ung girlfriend na sobra-sobra ang pagmamahal na binigay niya..(sound selfish noh?) ung sobra-sobra talaga... to the point na hinding hindi niya ako makakalimutan.. kasi, di ko siya makakalimutan..

run!

i'm gonna run! hehe.. i don't know why.. but i am serious.. though i'm pretty sure i'll lose.. T_T

i talked to mitch.. she made me read something.. i almost cried while i was reading it.. i found those words that i didn't, and I WILL NEVER want to hear from marty.. gawd.. sa ibang tao lang sinabi un.. pero i was reminded of him while i was reading it.. it hurts.. i'm crying.. right now.. it's just so unfortunate that he couldn't and will never read this.. ayoko na marinig pa lahat ng sasabihin niya pag nabasa niya ito.. alam ko namang mahabang homily about moving on lang un eh.. di niya kasi alam kung ano nararamdaman ko.. YES! i still don't know why he would give up.. eh kung ako kaya ang nag-give up sa kanya dati, di kaya siya magkakaganito!? palibhasa kasi, he knows that i never did, and i never will give him up.. f*ck! di niya alam kung gaano kasakit nararamdaman ko... :'(